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This is not an "I got swept out of lotus position and into a new life" tale, nor is there an outline of a bleached-out holiday deals betrothed paddling toward me from the horizon. Instead, Bali sputtered and sizzled over the rubble holiday deals of my romantic habits, which in my youth led me to a volcanic but brilliant Albanian communist, an effervescent Texan with a taste for Klonopin and cashmere, and a kind-hearted Bermudian whose flip-flops were more at home amid coral reefs than high-rises.
She taunted me with the kind of men that exist on my well-honed ideals list, and then promptly down-poured on attempts to mull over them, leaving me drenched and defenseless. Surveying the topography of my past choices, a current emotional infatuation with a decidedly unavailable friend, and my perceived sparklessness, I felt the onset of emotional monsoon season. Just damp, raw aloneness, with no one to sink in to except the island and myself.
It started holiday deals with a visit to a Mayan Astrologer, who between downward dogs and swigs of Kombucha, scribbled and translated hieroglyphs. "You choose holiday deals unavailable men," she told me, as she waved her hands over her head and down to the foreign etchings. "And that's because you're unavailable."
"You don't," she reassured me excitedly in between monologues against monogamy. "You just have to learn how to be and embody pure love." Unenthused by the potential of this new role to land me a man, I sought predictions from other healers. I learned Taoist tantric arts, got my ears and toes jabbed into diagnosis by an elderly Balinese man, and unwittingly holiday deals underwent spiritual surgery.
Unchanneled passion. Blocked energy. A disconnection between heart and mouth. A deep belief in my own unlovability. Themes that babbled through my past amours and my relationship with myself welled up into a pool that I couldn't not gaze into.
So I started to look, meditating each morning on a daybed in the jungle, hesitant and afraid that I would find a broken girl fundamentally beyond fixing. As I started to let go of future regrets and past hopes, the swirling and splashing stopped, and my surrender into myself began. A slow acceptance that my past was not my future.
Maybe I could show up to love with an open-heart and a smile, trusting in the love-gods like I had in the travel-gods; after all, by just saying yes to what was in front of me, I had gotten more chaotic serendipity than I'd imagined possible. It was simple, no-holds-barred yesses in India had led me straight holiday deals into those moments that filled in the nooks of my aching and angst: holiday deals a raucous birthday party for a one-year old in which bhangra dancing and cake preceded dinner, and a pilgrimage to Amritsar with a Sikh friend who I'd only actually m
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